3 Questions to Embrace your Shadow
What times in life did you embrace your fear?
What demons turned out not to be so scary after all, once you faced them?
How can you love your demons, your fears, and the things you “hate about yourself?”
When I was 4, my mom made sure I never was an “evil character” for Halloween.
Anytime someone I knew was going to be a “bad character” I silently winced inside cursing Halloween for celebrating evil. Why give our energy to that?! Anytime my son might ask to be a villain, I was a heck no to that and would steer him another direction.
However, what you resist, persists.
So when my 10 year old asks to be an orc from the Lord of the Rings I decide to stop “my control train.” Just go with the flow.
It didn’t work at first. I still resisted: I decided I wouldn’t dress up with him as I always had since the day he was born. I felt anxious and broody just watching Leo make Eli his war costume. Why the violence?! I would think to myself. I cursed the slave trade chocolate and candy. I could not relax and dreaded the night while still silently organizing a trick or treat with a few of his friends.
As his friends arrive to trick or treat, in one moment, I give in. I simply decide to surrender. In fact, I’m suddenly inspired to create a costume in 15 minutes flat.
Why fight against the tide? I play along. First off, my son’s an awfully cute orc. It’s all so meaningless to him–it’s just a costume!
Walking into my closet, I look at what materials I have on hand…a lot of white things. A cloud costume? Hmm…Every year we as a family have a theme. One year Eli was yoda, I was Padme, and Leo was Obi Juan. Another year he was a Kracken, Leo a boat, and I was a pirate.
I look to Eli for ideas, “Who dresses in all white in the Lord of the Rings?” I look in the mirror–and a light bulb goes off as Eli says “Saruman the White–an evil wizard.”
In that moment, everything clicked. I saw how my fear was killing off fun and connection.
How my fear was causing suffering.
How my judgment was making no difference in having fair trade chocolate being given to children.
I embraced my shadow. And just like that, something magical happened.
Everything became light again.
The evil character costume was just that–a costume. When we were done playing that part, it got tossed into a corner and disposed of. There wasn’t any real threat.
I saw how evil characters aren’t real. They are funny illusions we create to have fun. I saw how fun it was to simply make a costume without assigning unnecessary significance and heavy energy. While I was trying to use my judgment to shield myself and family from evil, I ended up embodying fear–the very thing I wanted to avoid.
By embracing my shadow, I was embodying creativity, light, and joy.
What energy I embodied is what mattered most.
Just like fear, your shadow side longs to be seen. Believing that at the core of any fear–is still purity or light–you can even learn to “love your fear” and embrace it. Even welcome it!
Here’s a quick litmus test: Who would you rather be around?
Someone being light, fun, and joyful making a villain costume?
Or someone silently judging and condemning you in the name of light?
If in doubt of who you’re being, simply tune in and feel your body. Do you feel more heavy or light? Contracted or expanded? Fear or love?
As an entrepreneur, which way of being will attract the right clients? You guessed it.
Here’s a blog I wrote a year ago that still holds true today on Transforming Fear into Love that breaks down the 6 steps to transform fear into love.
Back to the inquiries:
What times in life did you embrace your fear?
What demons turned out not to be so scary after all, once you faced them?
How can you love your demons, your fears, the things you “hate about yourself?”
Take a few moments to reflect and would love to hear from you!
A wonderful song from a dear colleague sums it up best here.
Ten Days of Silence: Vipassana Meditation Retreat
What if you were able to get to the root of your own ego’s misery and end any suffering? What would this inner peace of mind look like?
Does sitting meditation for hours at a time sound daunting?
It does for most and I started right where you are. Sure I could do longer sits of meditation at a retreat with no distractions or responsibilities. But whenever I came home, chaos would ensue.
After hearing from my friend how great this ten day Vipassana silent meditation retreat was, it took my twenty years to actually commit. I could never make the time for it in my already full life as a mom and business owner. But I won a lottery seat eighteen months into the pandemic.
The retreat is ten days of silence, 100% offline from your devices. Rising at 4am from the gong bell, you meditate twelve hours a day in stillness in bed at 9pm.
On breaks you agree not to write, read, dance, exercise, make eye contact, gesture with others, or bring in any other spiritual practice–to give this type of meditation a fair trial in its purity and establish your practice. I shuddered thinking about whether I can handle this–yet was up for the challenge.
While this may sound like hell for many, I got what I came for and much more.
Why I Came
No matter how much I accomplished, I still felt empty. I’d feel a temporary “high” from the accomplishment as I returned back to real life. I’d create another vision board, accomplish it, then always be left wondering to myself “Is this it?”
This was maddening.
I should stay happy given how good my life was. How dare I feel ungrateful? Why couldn’t I experience the joy of being alive? Why was I so bored?
I was at peace about death and wasn’t interested in going through the motions, experiencing the inevitable roller coaster of pleasant and unpleasant emotions, misery to joy, then dying.
Simply being happy wasn’t enough of a reason for me to live. I wanted inner peace. To trust and surrender to my Highest Self, Source, God, a higher power. To feel the elixir of being alive–the preciousness of life on planet earth. To fulfill on my purpose to its highest expression, revealing my best path to express that in this lifetime.
Basics of Attending a Vipassana Meditation Retreat
First, you agree to a code of discipline for the duration of the meditation experience before applying that includes no killing, stealing, lying, sexual misconduct, or substance use.
At the start, you turn in your smartphone so you can remain 100% offline with no devices or anything to distract you.
From 4am to 9pm you meditate in 2, 3 or 4 hour chunks at a time, with 1.5-2 hour breaks in between for meals and resting your body.
On the breaks between meditations, there’s no gesturing to others, eye contact, writing, reading, journaling, yoga, jogging, other spiritual practices, or three meals a day. There is a vast beautiful meadow complete with frolicking deer and rabbits you can stroll around or eat your meals in. This design is so you can get established in the Vipassana practice and give this approach to meditation a fair trial.
For meals, they are vegetarian (and quite delicious and nutritious!) served at 6:30am and 11am sharp for a precise window of 30-45 minutes. Dinner at 5pm is a piece of fruit with tea.
The retreat is free, including room and board, and there’s an opportunity to give a donation at the end only if you received value.
Your bedroom is spartan–a simple bed, shelf, and end table. Nothing else. You can take up to a five minute hot shower per day to help conserve water.
You can ask questions to the teacher each day at noon or 9pm for five minutes. Every evening at 7pm, you also listen to a recorded discourse from Vipassana’s original teacher on how to master the meditation technique.
Results from My Vipassana Silent Meditation Retreat
Impermanence
I discovered impermanence. Impermanence was an intellectual concept and became an undeniable, “as lived experience” in my body. Experiencing impermanence in all ways was the source of my soul’s liberation.
Discovering impermanence was also the root of my ego’s misery. My longing to escape this world from boredom and feeling empty no matter what I accomplished or my clinging to feel bliss permanently was one in the same in different forms.
I learned through my body how the mind is always in one of three places–clinging (wanting more pleasure and getting attached), aversion (avoiding what you don’t want), or ignorance (being unconscious of the source of your misery and stuck in reaction). All three roads of clinging, aversion and attachment lead to misery. I experienced this in my 100 hours of meditation.
Now I realized that focusing on craving lasting fulfillment was entirely based on ego and was impossible to ever feel settled from that place. By practicing being equanimous, calm and unattached to either cravings or aversions, I found true inner peace that can last. Free from the bondage of the ego mind.
Purification
After the realization of impermanence, meditation now becomes an access to purify my mind, allowing me to master my mind’s reactions by rewiring my neuronal pathways and fixed patterns.
I can clear out all reactive responses and triggers of the mind that gets created in my body, bit by bit, layer by layer, through every cell of my body.
Instead of craving bliss or avoiding boredom, I can choose to fly free like a bird than react in ignorance.
My two wings are 1) awareness in equanimity (non judgement, detached, seeing pain and pleasure as they are) as well as 2) feeling body sensations of physical pain or pleasure I’m experiencing in the moment.
By feeling body sensations of pain and pleasure with an equanimous mind, this becomes my access for purifying all defilements of my mind.
No longer must I rely on a person, place, or thing outside myself to access lasting inner joy and peace. Simply being the Observer, the Witness, to whatever is happening whether I like it or not is where I experience inner peace.
In Summary
Experiencing impermanence at the cellular level, I’m now settled in my life’s work. Rather than constantly try to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing that makes the best use of my genius, I’ve surrendered to and expect myself to constantly shift HOW I’ll play out my purpose: to liberate a leader’s soul expression in this lifetime.
This allows me to finally experience the joy of being alive each time I am able to fall back into equanimity when all is awesome or horrible or anything in between.
This is just the beginning. Establishing myself in this practice showed me it IS possible to rewire unconscious reactions in the human mind so that all thoughts that arise are pure.
Whether scratching an itch at night unconsciously to judging someone silently to snapping at your kid–the root or these reactions dwell as a cellular experience in the body. By focusing your mind’s awareness on the body sensation, then practicing responding equanimously, you can rewire your neuronal pathways.
If you want to learn how to get to root of your misery, end suffering, and experience inner peace no matter what life throws at you–learn more and attend a Vipassana Retreat.
It could change your life.
Success is What You Say No To
How do you define success?
Whenever I ask my clients what their definition of success is, they give me goals of what they want to achieve. It typically falls into 3 buckets: more money, more time with family or themselves, and more freedom to travel to pursue other pleasures and passions.
But if you pause and listen within, I invite you to take a moment to ask your heart: Where did that definition of success come from?
What influenced you? Is that success dependent on something outside of yourself?
These questions will help you get to the heart of what success really means to you.
Here’s an exercise to help you define success:
Close your eyes. Imagine you in your current life and business as it is today. Then one day, unexpectedly, you find out you have a life threatening illness. The doctor says “You have 3 months to live.” Assuming all your affairs are in order (with your will, life celebration planning, etc.) really feel what you would spend the last 3 months of your life doing.
- Who would you see?
- What would you say?
- Where would you go?
- What would you experience?
- What would you do or stop doing?
- What would you accomplish?
The picture you see gives you clues to getting to the source of what success really means for you.
Now open your eyes. Journal what comes to mind. Then allow yourself to inquire into the question “What matters to me? What is true to myself?” This may take you a few days, weeks, or months to contemplate. Keep journaling what opens up.
Success from the Outside In
Meeting hundreds of conscious leaders, whom the world would consider at the top of their game (they have billions, they’ve won multiple oscars, they have successful kids, etc.) I’m continuously surprised that a common thread among them all is that when they finally reach a pinnacle they’ve strived for–they feel empty. It feels just like it was a moment ago.
They find themselves asking “Is this it?”
Consider, their success is often defined by society or their ego, not their heart.
Often your ego clings to various desires, wants, and past memories of success that don’t allow you to fully experience the present moment. You’ll worry, analyze and live in future dreams.
Rarely will you be present for more than a few minutes at a time. Rarely will you get to enjoy the fruits of your labor as you rush to the next achievement that will end up feeling awesome for a split second, then empty again.
Success from the Inside Out
Rather than look outside yourself for success, define success from the inside out. Studies suggest that the biggest regret people have when they pass is not being true to themselves.
When you define success as what’s being true to your Highest Self–unspeakable states of joy, bliss, and peace become possible.
That’s what happened for me attending a 5 day silent meditation retreat. By the end, I unexpectedly fell in love with myself.
Unlike experiencing happiness from a vacation, or the pleasure from escaping day to day chaos, this was distinctly peaceful bliss from the inside out. I was literally speechless because words would only distract from the glory I felt in the present moment.
All I wanted to do was be with myself, please myself, nurture myself. I felt no craving, no desire, no wish for anything outside myself whether that was family relationships, possessions, accomplishments, or recognition. I felt at peace with death even if that were to happen the next moment. I was triggerless.
It lasted for weeks, even after a jarring return home to chaos. It was the “being part of yet outside of the world feeling” that I’ve wanted to return to ever since.
Now I coach my clients in discovering for themselves their own inner bliss in our work together as they grow their business. Once you’re clear on what success from the inside out looks like, you can now put into practice your definition of success in real life.
The Opportunity of No
Last year alone, during the pandemic, here are a few surprising places I’ve said no:
- Speaking at the same event as Deepak Chopra, a world renowned thought leader in my field
- Being invited to be a contributor to a book that became an international best seller
- Partnering with a renowned coach who’s good friends with a high level influencers
If I had defined success from the outside in, obviously I would have said yes to all three.
By defining success from the inside the answer was clearly no. I knew that if I had said yes, that meant too many projects once, working late nights to meet deadlines, missing out on family time, and kicking myself for saying yes to too many things.
However, in the short term, saying no felt scary. I worried I missed out on a huge opportunity. Instead, I trusted myself knowing I’d avoided a huge distraction from my vision that would ultimately serve me much better in the long run.
For me, success is loving myself unconditionally, surrendering to my Highest Self, while experiencing joy in simply being alive in the present moment.
Saying no in real life was the opportunity to tune into my intuition, take actions consistent with trusting my inner wisdom, and transforming FOMO (fear of missing out) energy into JOMO (joy of missing out) energy.
3 Ways to Know When to Say No
It’s hard to know whether to say no to an opportunity if you have no clear methodology or approach.
Here are a few ideas for ways to say no:
- Consult your Inner Advisors.
Brian Whitaker authored Yes, Yes, Hell No, shares 3 inner advisors you have called Intuition/Gut, Logic, and Fear. Ask yourself, “Should I say yes to X opportunity? Then listen to what each advisor has to say to weigh in. Just remember that if you get a Yes from intuition and logic but a NO from fear, that’s likely still a go. It simply means your ego is super threatened and by moving forward you’ll be breaking through a glass ceiling. In other words, it’s a biggie transformation. - Core Values Filter
What is your criteria for saying no? Do a values exercise, to understand your top 3-5 values that filter and ask yourself if this seeming opportunity aligns with all your core values. - 5 Question Criteria
Create a list of questions customized to your decision making process that allows you to understand all sides. I’ve created a google spreadsheet of
This set of 5 questions is from one my business mentors, Roger James Hamilton. Each time you need to make a decision, he uses this criteria before saying yes to an opportunity.
- Does it follow my path? Does it fit my goals and objectives for this quarter? If not, give opportunity to someone else
- Can I add value doing this? The opportunity won’t last long if no value is being added.
- Are you able to leverage the opportunity for the company? For example, can you help team members grow what they are doing?
- If it fails, am I still motivated? In 6 months, will I still have gained valuable learnings, connections, and skills even if I lost time and money?
- If it succeeds, am I inspired? Sometimes you can succeed in a project and you’re not left inspired. Make sure your highest self aligns and purpose aligns with the opportunity so it’s creating more energetic flow in your life.
If you say no to any of the first 3 questions, it’s a distraction (off course) or disruption (slows you down).
Now What
What are decisions that you’ve said no to in the past you would have said yes to? How did that pan out? Did you regret or let go? Did new opportunities arise?
Whether in business or life, consider that each decision you say yes or no to alters your future trajectory, creates new connections, ideas, and learnings that otherwise would not have happened. You only have so much time left on planet earth. Choose wisely.
By taking the time to define success from the inside out and knowing what to say no to, you’ll establish your true north to make decisions with more ease when opportunities arise. You’ll uncover the opportunity no can unexpectedly bring.
Keep testing your true definition of success from the inside out the next time an opportunity comes your way and build the muscle for living a life true to yourself.
It’s worth it, I promise.
I’d love to hear what your definition of success from the inside out looks like for you and what happened when applying it to real life.
Please add your comments below.
Why I Came
No matter how much I accomplished, I still felt empty. I’d feel a temporary “high” from the accomplishment as I returned back to real life. I’d create another vision board, accomplish it, then always be left wondering to myself “Is this it?”
This was maddening.
I should stay happy given how good my life was. How dare I feel ungrateful? Why couldn’t I experience the joy of being alive? Why was I so bored?
I was at peace about death and wasn’t interested in going through the motions, experiencing the inevitable roller coaster of pleasant and unpleasant emotions, misery to joy, then dying.
Simply being happy wasn’t enough of a reason for me to live. I wanted inner peace. To trust and surrender to my Highest Self, Source, God, a higher power. To feel the elixir of being alive–the preciousness of life on planet earth. To fulfill on my purpose to its highest expression, revealing my best path to express that in this lifetime.
Basics of Attending a Vipassana Meditation Retreat
First, you agree to a code of discipline for the duration of the meditation experience before applying that includes no killing, stealing, lying, sexual misconduct, or substance use.
At the start, you turn in your smartphone so you can remain 100% offline with no devices or anything to distract you.
From 4am to 9pm you meditate in 2, 3 or 4 hour chunks at a time, with 1.5-2 hour breaks in between for meals and resting your body.
On the breaks between meditations, there’s no gesturing to others, eye contact, writing, reading, journaling, yoga, jogging, other spiritual practices, or three meals a day. There is a vast beautiful meadow complete with frolicking deer and rabbits you can stroll around or eat your meals in. This design is so you can get established in the Vipassana practice and give this approach to meditation a fair trial.
For meals, they are vegetarian (and quite delicious and nutritious!) served at 6:30am and 11am sharp for a precise window of 30-45 minutes. Dinner at 5pm is a piece of fruit with tea.
The retreat is free, including room and board, and there’s an opportunity to give a donation at the end only if you received value.
Your bedroom is spartan–a simple bed, shelf, and end table. Nothing else. You can take up to a five minute hot shower per day to help conserve water.
You can ask questions to the teacher each day at noon or 9pm for five minutes. Every evening at 7pm, you also listen to a recorded discourse from Vipassana’s original teacher on how to master the meditation technique.
Results from My Vipassana Silent Meditation Retreat
Impermanence
I discovered impermanence. Impermanence was an intellectual concept and became an undeniable, “as lived experience” in my body. Experiencing impermanence in all ways was the source of my soul’s liberation.
Discovering impermanence was also the root of my ego’s misery. My longing to escape this world from boredom and feeling empty no matter what I accomplished or my clinging to feel bliss permanently was one in the same in different forms.
I learned through my body how the mind is always in one of three places–clinging (wanting more pleasure and getting attached), aversion (avoiding what you don’t want), or ignorance (being unconscious of the source of your misery and stuck in reaction). All three roads of clinging, aversion and attachment lead to misery. I experienced this in my 100 hours of meditation.
Now I realized that focusing on craving lasting fulfillment was entirely based on ego and was impossible to ever feel settled from that place. By practicing being equanimous, calm and unattached to either cravings or aversions, I found true inner peace that can last. Free from the bondage of the ego mind.
Purification
After the realization of impermanence, meditation now becomes an access to purify my mind, allowing me to master my mind’s reactions by rewiring my neuronal pathways and fixed patterns.
I can clear out all reactive responses and triggers of the mind that gets created in my body, bit by bit, layer by layer, through every cell of my body.
Instead of craving bliss or avoiding boredom, I can choose to fly free like a bird than react in ignorance.
My two wings are 1) awareness in equanimity (non judgement, detached, seeing pain and pleasure as they are) as well as 2) feeling body sensations of physical pain or pleasure I’m experiencing in the moment.
By feeling body sensations of pain and pleasure with an equanimous mind, this becomes my access for purifying all defilements of my mind.
No longer must I rely on a person, place, or thing outside myself to access lasting inner joy and peace. Simply being the Observer, the Witness, to whatever is happening whether I like it or not is where I experience inner peace.
In Summary
Experiencing impermanence at the cellular level, I’m now settled in my life’s work. Rather than constantly try to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing that makes the best use of my genius, I’ve surrendered to and expect myself to constantly shift HOW I’ll play out my purpose: to liberate a leader’s soul expression in this lifetime.
This allows me to finally experience the joy of being alive each time I am able to fall back into equanimity when all is awesome or horrible or anything in between.
This is just the beginning. Establishing myself in this practice showed me it IS possible to rewire unconscious reactions in the human mind so that all thoughts that arise are pure.
Whether scratching an itch at night unconsciously to judging someone silently to snapping at your kid–the root or these reactions dwell as a cellular experience in the body. By focusing your mind’s awareness on the body sensation, then practicing responding equanimously, you can rewire your neuronal pathways.
If you want to learn how to get to root of your misery, end suffering, and experience inner peace no matter what life throws at you–learn more and attend a Vipassana Retreat.
It could change your life.
The Note
Ever wonder if you’re actually following the right path?
A trio of teenage girls passed away in my spiritual community from a car accident a few weeks ago. I didn’t know them personally.
It’s moments like this I stop and ask myself this same question:
Am I living my life to its fullest? Or playing it safe? Am I following my heart or my head?
Last Friday, I had such a moment. I was on a call talking to Amber, a book launch expert about my book.
I haven’t even been public about the book. What if I don’t finish it? What if it flops? What if it distracts me from my business? It’s all been said before.
Yet for the past year or two, there’s been a yearning DEEP WITHIN to simply write, write, and write some more. To vlog (video blog) and share my life and what I’ve learned.
Being an author didn’t tie in neatly with my strategic business plan. Or tie into my 2021 business goals or make money for a future marketing campaign.
So the book became a side project that “made no sense revenue wise” and was my pet passion project I wanted to do for the sake of just feeling the joy of writing.
As Amber and I start brainstorming the book content, I start sharing about my 16 day road trip. I can feel my energy growing, my face breaking out into a smile.
“There would be 10 hour days on the road with no wifi! In that silence–with nothing to distract me, I ended up composing my first song.
My voice lesson teacher who’s an ACTUAL musician said it was like…a legit song! Like a good one. It felt Divine Inspiration flowing through me.
I started with a catchy tune that came from within. Then it grew into lyrics, the chorus came–and boom–created my first song “You are ok.”
As I bashfully complete sharing the joy it was to write that song (my head saying “Get back to business!) I mutter with a slight smile quickly saying “So yeah…just as a side note.”
Amber interrupts me saying “No, Anna! No!
It’s not a side note.
It’s THE note!”
I swear to you, my life flashed before my eyes. I saw a series of scenes playing music, moving my body, being a digital nomad going on a global tour speaking to thousands of schools and organizations. I felt the freedom my business was to grant me when I first began.
It was never to build my business into a money making empire. Never.
As returned to The Note, I realized my own blindspot in my business.
I had given up on centering my business in what brought my joy after a number of failed attempts.
So I created the next best thing. A business I enjoyed that had moments of 100% fulfillment helping clients and knew would serve people making a great impact.
I know that sounds awesome still, but there was something missing.
Throughout the whole frickin pandemic, I never figured it out. In fact, I circled back to the same “goal” that didn’t quite resonate even after a year!
While I became more aligned, still hadn’t struck the right chord or Note quite yet.
The Note being what made my heart sing. The Note being what naturally aroused my aliveness within.
This message is dedicated to The Note.
The Note that threads throughout all our lives and is the energy line that lights you up with resonance.
The Note gives you courage to free yourself of what others thinks.
The Note allows 100% of the real you to show up publicly, boldy, with no apologies.
The Note harmonizes away, shedding layers of all the should’s:
Don’t write that! That could offend so and so. What will people say?
You may not have a name for The Note.
You may be satisfied with what you think The Note may be.
You’ll know when you find The Note because there’s a vibration you cannot deny. A high level frequency that penetrates to your heart and soul whispering to you “There is no turning back, Anna.”
The Note presences your soul, surging in your veins to finally take that leap you were meant to take.
What’s The Note you’ve been pushing aside “as a sidenote” in your life?
I offer this inquiry for today.
Discover your Note.
Ping me what you discover by replying back.
Unstoppable Joy
Look in the mirror: Do your eyes sparkle with the joy of being alive?
If you were stripped away of everything that brings you joy and left with absolutely nothing–would you be a hot mess or quite elated in bliss?
Here’s the before and after shot after a 3 day Unstoppable Joy course with 1000 conscious human beings around the world.
Can you tell the difference?
If you were stripped away of everything that brings you joy and left with absolutely nothing–would you be a hot mess or quite elated in bliss?
Here’s the before and after shot after a 3 day Unstoppable Joy course with 1000 conscious human beings around the world.
Can you tell the difference?
It’s subtle.
In the left shot, I’m artificially creating a smile. My eyes are a bit more dead. In short, my joy was dependent on the outside.
In the second shot, my eyes sparkle a bit more. I’m experiencing joy from within–shining out.
For years, I’ve searched for that missing “note” I spoke of in last week’s email. The sparkle inside that lights you up no matter how dark it gets.
If you want a never ending energy source for lighting up your life–here’s my very vulnerable sharing on my joy journey.
When I was 18, I “had it all” on every possible level: a good family, respect from peers, leadership in the school, a strong church community, scholar athlete, winner of many awards, and a hot boyfriend.
Yet I STILL FELT EMPTY!!!!
It was crazy making.
It’s not like I could go complain “my life is too good” so I kept quiet. I just kept searching and searching for what was missing.
I even wrote a children’s book “Aida and the Duke of Doubt” in a vain attempt to answer that question so little ones wouldn’t have to suffer with this longing for something more that never went away.
At the time I concluded, if you focus outside yourself solely on making a difference for others–you can forget your ego self and feel fulfillment.
While that can still be the case–it didn’t fill that empty hole.
(Mind you this was after being asked to leave the leadership team of my church because I was teaching the “mountain” theory of may paths to God…and at 22, left the church and all that I knew that had given me purpose yet still felt empty)
I tried a gajillion personal growth trainings for nearly 2 decades. Had MASSIVE transformations in every area.
Again, obtained everything on my “vision board” again and again.
But there comes a point where you stop caring about accomplishing more. The game gets old. You wonder “is this it?!”
Cause think about it, you accomplish a new experience. The it gets normal again. You accomplish again. Then it normalizes. You accomplish, it gets old, then eventually you die.
In the course, I suddenly realized how I’d been operating:
If I had more travel, then I can have joy.
If my husband Leo and I are more intimate, there would be more joy.
If my son Eli listens well or laughs, I’d feel joy.
If I put music on and dance, I’ll access joy.
Yet, travel, music, family–you name it!–all rely on looking for joy from the outside.
The missing note?
Joy comes from within.
Joy is a choice.
Joy has no reason.
I leave you with some inquiries:
How often do you feel joy?
What gives you joy? Is it outside yourself?
What does joy from within feel like?
What would being a joy generator for no reason look like?
Try looking in the mirror again: Do your eyes sparkle with the joy of being alive?
If they don’t, that’s ok. Meditate on the questions above and listen to your heart. Quiet the noise from the outside.
One thing I can promise: Is the day you can say “YES!”–without a doubt–“My eyes ARE sparkling!”, is the day you’ll experience a deep unconditional love for yourself in the face of all your imperfections, mistakes, and messiness.
Tears will stream down your face from an inexplicable joy.
I love you.
Thank you to everyone who responded to my last email–how wonderful was that?!
Please, share your thoughts by simply replying back to this email!
Or comment in this 7 minute Unstoppable Joy video I recorded RIGHT in the moment after the weekend…
***
Anna S. Choi, CEO and Founder of Conscious Business Coaching, TEDx Speaker, and Forbes Author, is committed to elevating humanity’s consciousness by empowering high achieving, six-figure conscious entrepreneurs and business leaders to prevent burnout while scaling their company.
As a broke art major with zero experience or connections, she started and sold her first financial planning business grossing six figures by age 25. Burned out from the hustle and grind, she pursued energy mastery since 2014 as a taekwondo martial artist, body and brain yoga instructor and educator, and flow consultant now helping her high achieving clients grow in flow through energy mastery.
If you’re interested in growing your business with balance not burnout visit www.annasunchoi.com.
Beyond Profit: Future Trends in Human Centered Business
As the future remains unknown a year after the pandemic (and consider the future has always been uncertain), have you noticed a shift in how business is being done?
The last two decades I’ve focused on social enterprise, socially responsible, business, conscious business, being a changemaker, etc. As new trends and nomenclature emerge, has anything really changed since the pandemic? Is a new business paradigm emerging?
Below are business trends I’ve noticed have magnified during the pandemic:
- From transactional relationships to true caring relationships
- From war language (“crushing it” “dominate your market” “defeat the competitor!”) to love language based on impact, collaboration, and doing what’s right
- From “bro marketing” of fake urgency, 10x-ing results, and manipulative sales calls to heart based sharing that cares first about LONG term outcomes
- From the hustle and grind to paying attention to your online self than real self to the Unhustle Movement where it’s encouraged to go OFFline
- From biased human surveillance social media designed for profit to humane technology designed consciously
- From fear based, divisive news to love based dialogue and understanding
No judgment or shame on the old paradigm.
Truth be told, I’ve used the old paradigm. I was trained in the old paradigm as a new entrepreneur.
It took a solid year for me (and counting!) to trust myself and my own inner wisdom and wean off the tactics I’ve been taught from many online programs and experts that no longer served.
Can’t tell you how many times I’ve invested thousands in a program, only to find when looking “under the hood” that these 7 figure, multi 7 figure companies were in the red!!
These 7 figure companies weren’t in the red because of the pandemic. They are because they are in the old paradigm–focusing on new sales and churning new clients versus delivering on customer care and renewals.
I admittedly used to be wowed by big revenue numbers in placing my trust. Or wanted access to their network.
Now I just don’t care. I want to do business that I trust because they care, are competent, and have my best interest in mind.
(Pro tip: If you simply ask “what percentage of customers renew with you?” you’ll learn a lot! I strive for 50% or higher. Some companies are less than 15%. This *can* be a sign of customer churn.)
What’s even more fascinating is that small, teeny revenue businesses actually can profit the same or MORE than these huge companies…!
Knowing all this, you might sometimes feel like you’re the only one who cares in standing for a world of peace.
Well, you’re not alone.
Our company has made a huge migration of our online Community of Conscious Entrepreneurs off Facebook to a more conscious platform on Mighty Network.
A community free of becoming addicted or comparing yourself with others.
A community where you won’t be subtly led down a rabbit hole to be profited on.
A community where your brain won’t be unconsciously manipulated.
(Here’s the brain science of how social media platforms are designed intentionally to exploit human weakness ie. inciting fear or rage to want you to share, or spread misinformation because it’s profitable but toxic for creating division, etc.)
It’s time to take a stand for the love of humanity.
As the future of business shifts priorities from solely the bottom line at the cost of human well-being, our planet, and focusing on what matters most in our life, what actions can your business take to become more conscious?
How is your company paying attention to leaving a digital footprint that positive impacts the world ?
What companies do you support in using their products and services? Are they conscious? Does that matter to you?
Vote with your click. Vote with your dollar for the world you want future generations to be born into. Their lives depend on it.
***
Anna S. Choi, CEO and Founder of Conscious Business Coaching, TEDx Speaker, and Forbes Author, is committed to elevating humanity’s consciousness by empowering high achieving, six-figure conscious entrepreneurs and business leaders to prevent burnout while scaling their company.
As a broke art major with zero experience or connections, she started and sold her first financial planning business grossing six figures by age 25. Burned out from the hustle and grind, she pursued energy mastery since 2014 as a taekwondo martial artist, body and brain yoga instructor and educator, and flow consultant now helping her high achieving clients grow in flow through energy mastery.
If you’re interested in growing your business with balance not burnout visit www.annasunchoi.com.
The Social Dilemma: 5 Ways to Stay Conscious On Social Media
The Social Dilemma: Is Social Media Helping or Harming Your Business?
For many of my business clients and conscious entrepreneurs–social media is simply accepted as necessary for business.
The question is, how do you measure whether social media actions are working? And even more importantly, how does being social media impact your energy and mental health?
In other words, beyond basic ROI of financial return (which frankly, many clients have very poor results after pouring thousands a month hiring experts), what is your ROEI (return on energy invested) and ROTI (Return on Time Invested)?
But after watching the 2020 Netflix docudrama The Social Dilemma, it shifted my entire paradigm of what we are actually dealing with. After many months of how to navigate the social world consciously as a conscious business, I’d like to share my best practices.
But first, some context of how we came to be. Warning: this is a total spoiler alert of The Social Dilemma!
The Social Dilemma
The Netflix documentary drama “The Social Dilemma” interviews many founding and former investors, execs, and software engineers of Big Tech companies like Facebook, Google, Twitter who share their experience of grappling with the unintended consequences of features they built like the “infinite scroll” that caused enormous growth in users–but at a cost.
With the rise and power of (thus far mostly unchecked) Big Tech companies like Facebook, TikTok, and YouTube these companies are facing a responsibility and moral dilemma of how their algorithms impact human behavior, human futures, and our society at large.
Age of Surveillance Capitalism
One of the experts interviewed in the film is American author, Harvard professor, and social psychologist Shoshana Zuboff who coined the term Surveillance Capitalism.
Surveillance Capitalism “unilaterally claims human experience as free raw material for translation into behavioural data [which are] . . . fed into advanced manufacturing processes known as ‘machine intelligence’, and fabricated into prediction products that anticipate what you will do now, soon, and later. . . . [these products] “are traded in a new kind of marketplace that I call behavioural futures markets.”[3]
In other words, there’s a whole new market that trades and traffics in selling your human behavioral future.
Meaning, Big Tech social media platforms, like Facebook, YouTube, and Google, are not really in the business of selling your data to advertisers. They are selling your future behavior or predictive pattern of your future “click behavior” to groups, causes, and content that has now shown can have unintended consequences OFFLINE.
Marketing has entered another realm, where software engineers are literally being trained in psychology classes by the company, with unanticipated impacts that essentially hack your subconscious to quietly gather data on your every behavior online–how many seconds you pause, how long you scroll, which emoticon you use, and most importantly–what you click on to then inform, influence, and feed what you’ll get served up.
But not just to buy–the complex algorithmic AI (artificial intelligence) now can inform who you’ll become and actions you’ll take offline. This unchecked power is what is now informing legislation like Section 230 of The Communications Decency Act.
What This Means for You
As a conscious entrepreneur, please know that your online social media habits affect you subconsciously now when you’re offline.
This is simply what is so. There’s no finger to point or blame. The challenge is complex.
In a world of big data, while unintended, it’s a bit like the story Frankenstein. A scientist creates artificial intelligence called Frankenstein that turns into a beast or monster that takes on a life of its own, where the scientist can no longer control it.
Like Frankenstein, initially software engineers were simply doing their job innovating features like the “like button” or “infinite scroll” who had a good intention to help the world. But the AI now has a life of its own collecting so much data each nanosecond, that it’s hard to stop.
The part to pay attention to as a business owner is the unintended consequence of shifting your offline behavior by what you consume online, based on what avatar (customer identity) the AI predicts you’ll fit based on many factors such as where you live, and all your other click behaviors.
As Chamath Palihapitiya, one of the former VP of Growth at Facebook in the movie acknowledges in a later interview:
In 2017, many of us have grappled with the unintended consequences of the products we’ve built. Social media platforms in particular have been used and abused in ways that we, their architects, never imagined. Much blame has been thrown and guilt felt, but the important thing is what we as an industry do now to ensure that our impact on society continues to be a positive one.
How do we stay “conscious” online?
5 Best Practices to Stay Conscious on Social Media
So now what?
1. Vote with your click.
Stay conscious online. The less you mindlessly scroll and instead cautiously and carefully choose where you click next, you give yourself a shot of having more control of what gets fed to you online.
2. Get in and get out. Be clear what you want to accomplish then close the platform. Set a timer if you think you’ll be tempted to stick around longer. Do NOT get stuck in endless scrolling.
For example, I have an objective when I go on social media for my business. I plan my post, publish and schedule the post, then only answer comments in my community that I am to nurture. I am picky with which notifications I choose to respond to.
3. Filter your friends and content. Who you friend or not, what posts you like or not, what ads you click on or not, all impact your social media feed and “recommended” ads or posts.
I only friend people after checking out their profile. If they are life-giving, positive, inspirational–I friend them. If they frequently share and spread posts that are political, religious, or anything that enrages one way or the other, I ignore or delete the request.
If you see a sponsored ad, you have the option to stop seeing ads by clicking the little X in the corner. When I experimented with clicking on them (out of curiosity of how other entrepreneurs did their ads) I noticed I got more of them through retargeting. This is where once you click and ad, Facebook “retargets” you by serving up that same ad or a variation. When I clicked out of all sponsored ads in my feed, I get no ads in my feed.
4. Don’t watch or share news from social media. Find your news from unbiased journalism. The Social Dilemma shares how misinformation, or fake news, spreads six times faster than real news.
Watch out for seemingly credible looking posts with visual charts or nice graphics citing statistics that incite anger or rage.
Pause and ask yourself: Does this post show both sides of an issue? Am I feeling angry and want to share this? Do I feel more empathic and loving and expansive now?
If you’re left with a “them vs us”, realize your subconscious just got hacked. You’ll be easily manipulated to then spread and share that likely fake news designed to evoke anger and rage.
Instead, find a credible journal newsworthy source that shares all sides of a topic like AllSides which gives readers a cross-partisan view of world events.
Good journalism leaves you with empathy for all sides and not a black and white right or wrong, “them versus us.” Take back control of your brain and emotions.
5. Call or text a friend directly to connect. Use technology to love people, not divide them. If chatting publicly on social media isn’t going to be interpreted in the best light possible–pick up the phone. Have a real conversation with the opposite side.
Before the pandemic, I avoided talking politics or religion with friends and colleagues. Since the pandemic began, I’ve had over seven hard conversations with friends and colleagues who voted differently than me. I simply listened to understand. Learn more about How to Transform Fear Into Love here.
How I’m shifting my Business Practice
In addition to following the practices above, I really had to rethink my online marketing strategy. Namely, with Facebook–where I’ve invested countless hours building a business Facebook group called the Community of Conscious Entrepreneurs.
Personally, I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Facebook. I was someone who posted daily and frequently on FB “for business” so others could “know, like, and trust me” using it to document life’s milestones, wins, big news, and to feel good.
I justified any concerns about privacy, censoring, or addiction by using the platform “for good” with live yoga classes, sharing music, food recipes and more.
Not gonna lie–the dopamine rush of getting 150 likes in a few hours for a post felt great. In those moments, my concerns of “comparisitus” (comparing my life to others and feeling bad when I was struggling), getting addicted to getting more likes, or living my offline life thinking “How will I capture and post this event on FB?” didn’t matter.
But after watching the Social Dilemma, when you’re up against a team of brilliant engineers who day in and day are contributing to building and creating a super complex, ultrasmart AI logarithm that might even know you better than yourself, I had to get clear on WHY I’m using social media beyond “for business exposure.”
My real why is to build a community of conscious entrepreneurs who use business as force for good and measure the quadruple bottom line of people, planet, profit, and presence.
For the last 2 years, I searched for a platform where I don’t have to worry about privacy or worry about my every click behavior being tracked to sell me ads or feed me down a rabbit hole that enrages me offline.
I’m migrating my Facebook group to Mighty Network, a platform that’s actually private regarding your click behavior, delivers your posts to everyone in the group (versus the algorithm dictating it), and isn’t designed to addict or hack your subconscious. This platform is an actual tool that’s non-addicting. You choose when you use the tool, versus feeling withdrawals if you go offline and having to check your phone.
Tristan Harris, the filmmaker of the Social Dilemma and Founder of The Center for Humane technology–provides other ways to be more conscious online.
- Turn off notifications
- Remove toxic apps and download helpful apps designed to support your mental wellness
- Eliminate outrage from your diet. Unfollow outrage driven Twitter and Facebook groups or sharply polarized media (from both sides!)
- Follow voices you disagree with.
- Be compassionate. Social media profits off hate and anger because it generates more engagement. Let’s fight back with compassion.
- Pause → Remember there’s a real person behind the screen: Don’t be so quick to unfollow or publicly argue with someone who posts something you disagree with
- Be compassionate → Try a private message to ask why they feel that way, with genuine curiosity and a desire to understand
- Set boundaries with your devices.
- Fully disconnect 1 day per week.
- Cultivate gratitude by using technology to share your love.
- Support your local journalism.
Check out their full list here: https://www.humanetech.com/take-control
In Summary
By learning to stay conscious online, you’ll better navigate and discern the noise out there to tune in to what really matters for you in your life. The Center for Humane Technology summarizes it best:
As long as social media companies profit from addiction, depression, and division, our society will continue to be at risk. Imagine a world built on human technology that operates for the common good, strengthening our capacity to tackle our biggest global challenges.
Vote with your click. Go offline once a week. Connect to people, to nature, and to yourself. Each moment you choose a healthy choice, the world is little brighter from your choice. Choose wisely. Our society depends on it.
*****
Anna S. Choi, CEO and Founder of Conscious Business Coaching, TEDx Speaker, and Forbes Author, is committed to elevating humanity’s consciousness by empowering high achieving, six-figure conscious entrepreneurs and business leaders to prevent burnout while scaling their company.
As a broke art major with zero experience or connections, she started and sold her first financial planning business grossing six figures by age 25. Burned out from the hustle and grind, she pursued energy mastery since 2014 as a taekwondo martial artist, body and brain yoga instructor and educator, and flow consultant now helping her high achieving clients grow in flow through energy mastery.
If you’re interested in growing your business with balance not burnout visit www.annasunchoi.com.
How has Covid-19 changed your behaviors from 1 year ago?
Can you believe it’s been about 1 year since the pandemic began?
Here are questions you can ask yourself that allows your brain to focus on leveraging this “unprecedented” event towards your own vision and goals:
1. What learnings are you grateful for?
2. What became possible or what new dreams became accelerated?
3. What new habits have you developed you that want to keep no matter what?
4. What business practices will you continue or drop moving forward no matter what happens in the future?
Learnings
Our family has a very clear sense of what’s enough in how much time we spend Pre-pandemic was always overbooked and not enough while 6-9 months into the pandemic was way too much. Experiencing what a healthy boundary looks like.
I’ve experienced the rhythm of slowing down from my ultra fast life. I know how to slow down and cycle with natural rhythms versus always on go like before.
While things have sped back up, I know how critical the slow down is to the power back up–allowing way more clarity on what to simplify, discontinue, or start.
Our family revamped our home space. My son’s bedroom moved to the family/guest room while we created a new classroom/second office. That move worked wonders in personal space.
We built a covered deck and an outdoor “kid cave” under the deck that was warm enough for those long winter, rainy days to still get outdoor playdates in.
Finally became much more of a chef creating vegan creme brulee dishes, sourdough bread from scratch, and more. Cooking is not only healthier for me (ate out way more before) but gives me a zoom break and physical way to be present. Let’s my brain rest.
Dreams
For us, our dream to be 100% geographically free and snowbird 1-3 months became possible. My husband Leo’s job is now 100% remote for good and we were glad to say goodbye to a daily 3 hour commute on a ferry to Seattle!
This allowed us to take major experiments remote working from his home on Stuart island for 3 weeks. Locally, boat rides and nature excursions can give as much a sense of adventure as travel while still being in community outside.
We also tested which places we’d snowbird to 1-2 months a year to recently taking a 16 day road trip to visit the southwest while remote working for 3 of those days. When countries open up again, we’re looking at taking 1-3 months to live abroad in South Korea to learn Korean and do an upcoming book tour.
Habits
While painful initially and still a roller coaster, testing every possible scenario of homeschooling with two full time working parents–we’ve finally found a homeschool rhythm that works.
Both parents are way more available on weekends to be present with Eli our son, so we’re starting a Saturday-Tuesday, 1-2 focused hours, with long afternoon, outdoor playdates. Then we naturally do life school all the hour times of the day (cooking, chores, allowance, etc).
It’s been humbling to “unschool” ourselves off the typical school system and realize how learning is happening *every moment.* Life is school.
Business
I’ve learned how to market 100% online than rely solely on in person and speaking events–but integrate movement, dance, and creative experiences to prevent zoom fatigue and isolation.
While I’ve determined to stay 100% virtual (enjoying a national clientele), I can still integrate in person events when that’s available as needed.
Summary
If you take time to reflect on these questions, you might surprise yourself with how resilient you’ve become.
I would *love* to hear your thoughts and reflections in the comments!
—
*****
Anna S. Choi, CEO and Founder of Conscious Business Coaching, TEDx Speaker, and Forbes Author, is committed to elevating humanity’s consciousness by empowering high achieving, six-figure conscious entrepreneurs and business leaders to prevent burnout while scaling their company.
As a broke art major with zero experience or connections, she started and sold her first financial planning business grossing six figures by age 25. Burned out from the hustle and grind, she pursued energy mastery since 2014 as a taekwondo martial artist, body and brain yoga instructor and educator, and flow consultant now helping her high achieving clients grow in flow through energy mastery.
If you’re interested in growing your business with balance not burnout visit www.annasunchoi.com.
How to Easily Identify and Fix Your Biggest Energy Leaks
Recently spoke at the Seattle Chamber’s NW Elevate Series on “The 5 Secrets to Reclaim Your Energy!”
I was so surprised with the response to this poll: What is your current energy level?
The poll results?
Not one attendee answered they have high levels of energy.
Not a single person.
Yet nearly half of the sixty attendees responded they had low energy and struggled to maintain energy through the day. It hit me hard how much folks are struggling.
Check out the results below:
I figured others are feeling this way as well.
Here’s quick way to identify the source of your energy drains using the ENERGY POWER checklist below.
The more energy leaks plugged, the more you can feel energized.
The intention of this checklist exercise is to bring awareness to what is happening.
Simply read the question. Tune in to your heart. Then answer authentically. Don’t worry about scoring, or getting as my yes’s as possible. Simply answer as honestly as possible.
At the end, pick 1-3 areas you can start shifting today.
ENERGY POWER CHECKLIST
BODY POWER:
1. Are you getting quality sleep?
2. Does what you eat make your body sing?
3. Is your core and gut area warm throughout the day?
4. Do you regularly move your body (let’s not even address exercise yet!) throughout the day?
HEART POWER:
1. Do you smile throughout the day for no reason?
2. Do you feel light and expansive (versus heavy, tight, constricted) in your chest?
3. Do you know how to name the emotion of your feeling, focus on your heart within, and breathe deeply?
4. Do you allow unwanted emotions like irritable, anger, sadness, anxiety, rage, embarrassment, disgust, judgement to energetically flow through you and pass?
MIND POWER:
1. Do you do one task at a time, fully present? Multi-tasking includes not just doing two things at once. It also includes doing successive actions in a row quickly with no break or switching rapidly back and forth between two tasks.
2. Are you able to relax and quiet your brain on demand in a moment?
3. Do you go offline completely at least one day a week to recharge?
4. Do you eat a meal sitting down, slowly and mindfully without doing anything else? (versus scarfing down leftovers in 5 minutes standing up before you run to the next meeting while listening to a podcast)
SOUL POWER:
1. Do you wake up happy?
2. If today was your last day to live, would you be ready to pass away?
3. Do you have no regrets?
4. Do you feel you’re fulfilling your highest potential in your day to day life?
All too often, the boundless energy reserves available as children get sucked up through layers of stress over the years, leaving us depleted like an empty cup.
Once your natural energy depletes, it’s like an empty bank account that you now have to borrow energy then from your body–accelerating your aging process.
Instead, by noticing and bringing awareness to these energy drains, you can consciously replenish and recharge yourself, feeling higher levels of energy in your day.
*********
Anna S. Choi, CEO and Founder of Conscious Business Coaching, TEDx Speaker, and Forbes Author, is committed to elevating humanity’s consciousness by empowering high achieving, six-figure conscious entrepreneurs and business leaders to prevent burnout while scaling their company.
As a broke art major with zero experience or connections, she started and sold her first financial planning business grossing six figures by age 25.
Burned out from the hustle and grind, she pursued energy mastery since 2014 as a taekwondo martial artist, body and brain yoga instructor and educator, and flow consultant now helping her high achieving clients grow in flow through energy mastery.
If you’re interested in growing your business with balance not burnout visit www.annasunchoi.com.
How to Transform Fear into Love?
With so many global and national events happening each day while dealing with the pandemic, no matter what you believe, it’s become difficult to stay in a bubble without feeling the impact of what’s been happening lately.
In my work with business clients –they are already dealing with life stresses of caretaking elders, not seeing their family more regularly, or being triggered by the news and unable to focus at work.
This is causing higher levels of emotional stress than they are used to managing and looking for ways to stay grounded while also taking care of their well-being, growing their business, and taking a stand for what they believe in society will create a better future for all.
Let’s take the following situation – a family member voted differently in politics or doesn’t acknowledge or believe in the same reality as you. This divide can be healed by first going within to face and embrace your fears, then having tough conversations and creating your stand in the world.
But first, it starts with you.
This is the vast majority of work. Remember, no amount of “conflict resolution” or “communications” training will make a lasting difference unless you’re at peace with yourself, able to face, and even love your fear.
If you consider the world’s chaos on the outside is a reflection of the inner turmoil within–you’ll begin getting to the source of the chaos in our world today.
Let’s begin and make friends with fear.
Here’s an executive summary video version of this blog as well:
Step 1: Be Willing to Face Feeling the Fear
What is your relationship to fear?
Rather than thinking intellectually about it, let’s look to your body to tell you. Just like numbers don’t lie in a business, your body’s reactions don’t lie about your subconscious thoughts, feelings, and emotions on a matter that causes your reactions.
To understand your default narrative on fear, picture any current event, relationship, or daunting task in your business that brings up fear for you.
Then simply observe what first words, feelings, or body sensations popped in your head and write it down. Do the following exercise:
- What instant thoughts or phrases come to your mind? Fear is ______. Fill in the blank.
- Where in your body do you feel the fear? Does it constrict your chest, get stuck in your throat, or make your gut churn? Do you get enraged, want to hide and run away, or do you get numb and freeze?
- What other memories arise from your past or from the future? What feelings arise from those past or future memories?
Don’t get lost in those memories and reactions. Do your best to simply notice how your body responds when you imagine this fear raising event, relationship, or daunting task.
Step 2: Allowing and Accepting the Fear
After you face the feeling of fear, you’ve almost already accomplished the next step of allowing fear. Allowing or accepting fear doesn’t mean you condone the fear or that you think the fear is ok or even good.
Allowing or accepting the fear is simply being with the fear, allowing it to exist, and accepting that it’s there at all. To do this, you must be neutral as you tap, observe, and watch yourself as if on the outside looking in.
Fear can even be reduced down to a particular set of feelings, thoughts, and body reactions; then humans labeled fear to describe that experience. Perhaps your heart races, your mouth goes dry, and you’re anxious, and your head says, “stop!” or get angry. That collective experience is now called fear.
Whatever version of fear you experience, take a deep breath. Take another deep breath and keep taking deep inhales and exhales as you continue being with fear, noticing your thoughts, emotions, and body sensations.
Step 3: Picture Fear Like a Little Monster
Picture fear like a little monster who just wants love.
Imagine you’re sitting at home when suddenly the little monster – Fear, shows up at your doorstep, knocking on the door. Seeing it’s the little monster – Fear, your initial reaction is to ignore the door knocking.
But fear keeps knocking louder. You say to the door, “Fear go away!” but the fear simply knocks more loudly and is getting angrier. The more you resist, the more fear starts banging loudly on your door, wildly shouting obscenities.
This is like what’s happening in our world. We cannot continue to ignore the fear that lives in the hearts of many in our country that may have different or opposing beliefs.
We must first be willing to face feeling the fear then allowing the fear.
If you continue to ignore, get angry at, or whatever other reaction in your unique response to fear is, the little monster will keep growing inside you until it rears its head and leaks out while you’re with a client, and something happens when you’re sitting at dinner with your family, or just walking outside.
Having the courage to feel the fear and be with it anyway by simply practicing feeling it and breathing through it to relax your body is something you should be proud of. Because you are building a muscle of handling fear constructively in a healthy manner.
If you’ve made it even this far, you are far ahead of the vast majority of humanity, which is SO worth celebrating. Take a break, and enjoy yourself, relax, and treat yourself.
You can hang out practicing just these steps for a while until some basic mastery is attained. Then you can move on to the next stage.
Step 4: Connecting to the Fear
Once you can see fear like a little monster who wants love, next you can connect to the fear. You can talk -much like a mom or dad would talk to a child throwing a tantrum and doesn’t know any better.
To connect to your fear, presence it again by imagining the situation, the person, or the challenge you face.
Breathe deeply as you notice your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations arise.
Once in a fairly neutral or calm state, now ask your fear “What’s your message to me?” or “What do you want to say to me?” Now your job is to listen.
It’s likely you’ll have lots of automatic responses from fear, saying some form of “Pay attention to me!”. Simply listen. You might also journal some notes.
Step 5: Thanking the Fear
Now that you’ve allowed fear to say it’s peace, it’s time for you to acknowledge the fear for the role it’s playing.
Whether that’s teaching you a skill you otherwise wouldn’t have to learn or building a muscle that needs building–you can ask questions like:
- How have you served me?
- What is your lesson and gift for me now?
- What do you need from me to take a healthy and constructive place in my life?
- What guidance do you want to give me? What do I need to embrace or let go of?
- What actions am I called to take? What does it specifically look like?
The beauty of questions is that your brain will then work hard to answer them. This will take critical thinking to truly inquire, explore, and listen to your inner wisdom’s responses to the fear.
Automatically when you inquire and explore a question, your brain eagerly wants to find an answer. You might have automatic answers which could be valid, and I invite you to wait patiently and listen. Take notes of what replies you receive.
Thank the fear for being in your life.
Step 6: Embracing the Fear
Now that you’ve connected with the fear, got an understanding of where fear was coming from, and perhaps learned some new perspective or insight that wouldn’t’ have been possible had you not cared to ask questions and been courageous to face the fear in the first place, you’re now ready for the next step.
Embracing fear is very much like giving fear a hug. Now that the fear isn’t a threat (in essence, you didn’t treat fear with more fear to feed it), give the fear some love. You will often find love is MUCH more powerful than fear and has the power to transmute the fear into love.
You might discover that fear was just the monster clothing on the outside, and on the inside, fear at the core is light and love. It’s as if by loving fear, you are reintegrating, or unifying the yin and the yang, the polar opposites into one piece–true unity of dichotomies.
You can make a motion of hugging yourself or any other gesture and/or sound of relief once you’ve integrated and come to terms with the fear in a very loving, positive way.
Anytime that particular flavor of fear comes up, you can simply smile and say: “oh hey! I love you –there’s nothing to be scared of.” Then embrace the fear into your heart of shining love–not in order to get rid of, exterminate, and disappear the fear. That’s just a disguised way of fighting the fear through fake love.
You must authentically in your heart FEEL an expansive sense of openness to truly embrace fear. You’ll know if it’s fake love by simply checking your heart rate.
If your breath is shallow, or you feel constricted or contracted energetically in anyway –fake love. But if you feel relaxed, expansive, triggerless, and open–then you’ve just had a moment of enlightenment.
Now What? Apply these Steps in Real Life
The game from here on out is to continue more instances of embracing fears as they come up. As you get more fascicle and powerful in building up your muscles, you’ll likely be able to handle larger fears.
This simply means fears may never go away–they simply have less charge, less grip as you continue building your ability to embrace fear.
Journal your progress. Make a note each time fear comes up. Run through this sequence of being willing to face feeling the fear, allowing, accepting, connecting, thinking, and embracing the fear. In the beginning, it will take effort, and once you practice this, it can get easier and faster.
Know that your fears will just get bigger, so the game is to have big enough fears worth having. When fear is a word like “the,” and you have the power to choose how you’ll be with fear or not–that’s the point of this conversation.
Many times, you may choose to react to the fear with more fear. That’s ok. Give yourself grace and space to continue making mistakes and practice. The act of giving yourself grace IS doing this entire sequence in a moment. It doesn’t have to be hard. It’s not a linear path. It’s simply bringing an awareness instantly into the moment.
What’s Possible: The Future is In Your Hands
Right now, we face unprecedented times. While you make a tune out that overused word, it’s accurate and worth tuning back in.
Consider these times are an opportunity, a spiritual test of radical, unconditional love.
By being willing to face feeling the fear, allowing and accepting fear, connecting to and thanking the fear, and embracing the fear is essentially practicing unconditional love.
Embodying unconditional love requires a life of mastery, and it can be easy, instantaneous, in a moment.
Making peace with yourself and others begins with you. From there, you can take the next step of interacting with others where fear may come up and practicing the same sequence.
Imagine a world where instead of fighting fear, resisting fear, ignoring, or running away from fear–we look forward to uncomfortable conversations. We know it’s the only way to truly unite as humanity on this planet, making war a notion of the past as we create a more peaceful society. It all starts with you.
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Anna S. Choi helps growing, six-figure earning, overachieving, conscious business leaders–who are exhausted meeting the demands of their day–prevent burnout as they scale their impact. They want to build habits for staying happy, energized, and focused to perform at their optimum given the demands, complexities, and uncontrollable environments that suck up their energy.
Learn more at www.annasunchoi.com.
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If you are on a path of making a better version of yourself, you can also read other blog posts that I have published HERE.
Or you can contact me, and I will be glad to talk to you and discuss how we can improve your situation.
