“You need to give yourself some self care,” my husband said soothingly as he hugged me.
I didn’t want to admit that my time of the month was impacting my hormone levels. Tears streaming down my face, a felt a big fat ugly cry coming on.
Crumpling into his body, I sobbed and boo hooed “But I teach this stuff! What is the lesson to learn here? Why the emotional breakdown?”
The source wasn’t physical exhaustion from working long hours. Nothing dramatic was happening. Instead, it was something much more subtle.
What Drives a Lack of Self Care?
Have you ever kept doing something you know you didn’t even want? You know it’s bad for you but still keep doing it? This is what I call a pattern or internal conflict. Deep ingrained patterns direct automatic, unconscious behaviors.
Consider patterns or internal conflicts cause a lack of self care.
When there are internal conflicts building up in our body, stress finds a way to surface in the most unexpected of ways, often through emotions or triggering old pattern habits of the mind.
In this case, I was forcing my son to continue a sport he wasn’t interested in continuing. While I vowed I’d never do that to my kid, here I was and the incongruency was erupting into an emotionally fragile state.
While my pattern was to make things harder than they need to be, my internal conflict was on one hand respecting my 12 year old’s decision to quit and supporting that.
On the other hand, I wanted my son to:
- “build character”
- “not be a quitter or dabbler”
- “persevere through challenges to build resilience”
- “stay the course no matter what”
- “all the best things worth having in life are hard”
As I went deeper, I asked are“values” mine? Are they in fact values or programs from society, my upbringing, or just my unrelenting ego trying to survive a threat?
Given my dad was a Korean war orphan in poverty the first 30 years of life, I have plenty of reprogramming from his trauma. When life felt to easy, I’d look for hardship to overcome so I could practice thriving in any adversity. Nothing like achieving in the face of struggle and I used to wear it like a badge of honor.
But that strategy doesn’t work in all situations, and certainly not with my son Eli.
Why Self Care is Hard
We know self care habits of the mind, body, heart, and soul health are important. Yet why do my clients prioritize self care after kids, family duties, business clients, or household chores?
Uncertainty. Mindful entrepreneurs face constant pressure to perform, innovate, and adapt to ever-changing circumstances. In such a demanding environment, it’s easy to neglect our well-being in favor of reacting to the demands of our business.
Busy being busy. Do you have multiple hat syndrome? (I just coined that term) How many roles do you juggle per day? Multitasking includes doing activities in rapid fire succession, besides doing two things at once. So again, we’re stuck in reacting to interruptions and disruptions.
Accomplishments = Self-Worth. Despite knowing we are worthy as we are, that’s not necessarily how we live. Do you measure success by how productive or how much you accomplish in a day? Does relaxation or personal activities occur as a luxury you cannot afford when there are deadlines to meet?
Self care isn’t a one time act you do in the morning—it’s a lifestyle.
Cultivating a culture of self care requires taking breaks throughout the day, consistently, in a supportive environment that allows you that autonomy.
There’s more reasons, infinite really, but the good news is that all the above can become conscious choices. When you have awareness, you now have choice to opt in or opt out.
Why Self Care?
You matter. Full stop. You must take care of yourself first before you can effectively support others. By taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional health, you enhance your ability to perform at our best and sustain our energy and motivation over the long haul.
Connect with your Soul. The only relationship that lasts through death is your Soul or life source energy. Self care moments being present nurtures that relationship with the soul to inspire soul first.
Thrive in adversity. When you master emotional resilience by developing greater self-awareness, emotional regulation, and coping mechanisms, you bounce back from setbacks more easily. You become unstoppable.
How to Cultivate a Culture of Self-Care
1. Replace the word productivity with being in flow state instead. Flow state includes the natural ebbs and flow of performance like nature. Unlike a machine, humans sprint then rest. The best world athletes know how to relax the best. Check out my TEDx talk (10:32) that gives the whole story here.
2. Develop microhabits. Discipline can be more organic if you break down a habit to its smallest element and integrate it into your day.
Try these:
- Chewing slowly 30x before swallowing
- Feeling your feet as you walk
- Step outside and breathe in from the belly
- Breathe slowly while brushing your teeth
- Say I love you while wash your face tenderly
- Look into your eyes in the mirror and genuinely say “I love you” from your heart (no head)
Carving out time for self-care doesn’t have to be time-consuming or complicated. It’s simply bringing consciousness or presence to unconscious, already established routines.
3. Personal Retreats. Plan time off intentionally for the year. They can be at home or somewhere exotic—what’s key is creating space to go deeper.
During the pandemic I took 10 days of silence meditating 100 hours that created a new habit of daily meditating an hour a day ever since. Days I miss meditation, I’m more reactive than days that don’t pull for self care. Days I meditate are grounded, and self care arises naturally.
In our ALIVE course, students start off blocking time off each year, on a quarterly or monthly basis, weekly basis, and daily basis. Family trips or vacations only count if you are more relaxed by the end (versus drained).
At least annually a year, I take a longer personal retreat into nature. I’ve recently been invited to facilitate at a women’s mastermind retreat in Tulum, Mexico that allows me time to take my mom hat off and give a space to relax in soulful company.
I’ll be leading somatic movement exercises and otherwise participate in soaking up what other wellness trainers have to offer in professional development.
Self-care isn’t selfish but essential. It’s required and necessary for our overall well-being and success. Self-care doesn’t have to be hard. By prioritizing well-being, you’ll optimize your energy reserves and tap into boundless energy within.
Comment on this post: What resonates for you from this article? What actions can you take to cultivate self care?
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Anna S. Choi helps conscious businesses and social entrepreneurs attract more clients through her signature program The Client Accelerator for Conscious Entrepreneurs. She takes clients from scattered marketing approaches to an intentional strategic marketing plan. If you’re interested in gaining focus, clarity, accountability in a community of conscious entrepreneurs, please watch this free training video on attracting clients or join her email list.
